Tessa and Jay's Relationship Compatibility Test
100 questions to ask someone before you jump into a relationship (especially if you work together)
This week, I went on Hidden Brain to talk about how we can become better readers of people. The answer, it turns out, is that we can’t. There is no magic school of perception that teaches people how to accurately interpret a sigh, a sideways glance, or a furrowed brow. Scientists have been trying to improve interpersonal accuracy for decades, and the only method that really works is to ask. What are you feeling right now? Are you frustrated with me? Did you really like that burnt chicken, or are you pretending?
Asking sounds easy, but it’s not. It’s awkward and norm violating, and when it comes to our personal relationships, can be downright embarrassing.
But sometimes in life the stakes are so high, it’s simply not worth it to guess and get it wrong. One of those times is when you decide to date your colleague at work. To jump into a relationship with someone who, if things go sour, you’ll still be stuck with everyday, from 9 to 5.
When my husband Jay Van Bavel and I realized we had feelings for each other at work, we decided to put ourselves through a brutal test. We came up with 100 questions of compatibility to ask each other before jumping into the deep end. Due to popular demand, we’ve re-created our test to share with you.
A few notes before we dive in. By way of background, Jay and I were at the time (and still are) tenured professors at NYU. We both have kids with our exes, and joint custody of those kids. We work in the same department, on the same floor. If our relationship imploded, it would have been damn near impossible for either of us to move.
Given all of this, our approach wasn’t just to find reasons why we should be together, but to find reasons why we shouldn’t. To uncover hidden deal breakers and red flags—things that you usually don’t discover about someone until months, sometimes years into the relationship. We tried to reduce the possibility of demand effects in our questions by steering clear of those with a clear “right” or “wrong” answer. The questions were more about fit, and less about looking good to each other.
Below are our questions (with some small revisions to the “politics and culture” ones to make them current). A quick trigger warning before we begin. Answering these questions will be radically uncomfortable. Many require you to “go there” before you’ve really gone there. But in some situations, awkwardness is a small price to pay to getting it right.
Below is a picture of Jay and I with Diego Reinero, our previous graduate student, who survived as a witness to our NYC City Hall Covid Wedding. We are taking shots at an Axe Throwing bar—the only place open near City Hall at 3 on a Tuesday—to celebrate.
Sleeping habits
Do you like it cold or warm in the bed? (Tessa likes to blast the AC until her face feels numb. Jay needed to be okay with that)
Do you wake up a lot? Toss and turn? And if you do, do you move to the couch?
Do you snore? (and “deep breathing” that is loud counts as snoring)
Do you have sleep apnea? Do you see a Cpap machine in your future?
What’s your ideal bedtime? (Tessa can’t fall asleep if there’s not a Jay there at the time the lights go out, so radically different bed times would be a deal breaker)
How many hours of sleep do you need at night?
Are you a late or early riser? If I’m a late riser and you’re an early one, are you going to sit there all morning stewing in irritation if I’m still snoozing away?
How much do you care about sleep on vacations? E.g., “I like to party hard and sleep later,” or “I love tucking in by 9. Who cares what cool parties are happening elsewhere.”
What do you wear to bed? A full outfit with buttons, a pair of tighty whities, or just your skin?
Pets
Do you like pets? Cats and dogs, or fish and lizards?
Are you allergic to pets? (Jay was allergic to Tessa’s cat. It would have been a long-term deal breaker, but Tessa gave the cat to her brother)
Finances
Tell me about your bank account. What’s in it?
Are you in debt? If so, how much?
What’s your retirement plan?
Do you like to spend money as you make it, or squirrel it away for later?
How much should we each pay for stuff? Split dinners? Share costs of vacations?
What’s your financial situation with your ex? Do you split expenses?
Are you paying alimony and/or child support?
Raising Kids
What are your thoughts about co-sleeping with kids? Okay if they creep in in the middle of the night, or hell no go back to your own bed?
What are we going to do if our kids don’t gel?
Can I parent your kids and can you parent mine, or would that be weird? (our kids were young when we started dating—6 years and below)
Do you want any more kids?
Vacations
What’s your ideal vacation?
How much time do you like to spend on vacations a year?
Mountains, beach, or your parent’s backyard?
How much money would you want to spend on vacations?
Do you like cruises or find the idea of a long boat ride nauseating?
What about parties with strangers?
Physical Wellness
How much do you like to exercise? Do you prioritize it?
Any physical health issues you’re dealing with?
Let’s talk body hair. How do you feel about shaving versus growing? Are you okay with my grooming habits? (you have to be willing to say what they are, even if you haven’t “gone there” yet in the relationship)
Booze, Smoking and Drugs
Do you drink?
Smoke?
Do recreational drugs?
How much and how often?
Do you turn to them when you’re stressed?
Do you drink alone? Only socially?
Work Overlap
Are we going to collaborate on research projects?
Are we going to share graduate students?
Are we going to be on committees together?
What will our policy be to make sure that we don’t have a nepotism advantage, or at least, reduce the perception among other people that we have one?
How will we tell people at work that we’re dating?
How are we going to cope with people who are not happy that we’re dating?
Exes
We both have relationships with our exes because we share custody of kids. What do you want your relationship to be like with my ex? Are you thinking “less is more” or “it would be great if we could have dinner together one day?”
Imagine my ex talks shit about you. How would you respond? Bring him/her hell, or let it roll off?
Do you want to know my sexual history?
What about details about sex with other people? Talk about it or no way?
How much do you want to hash out the past? Do you have a don’t ask don’t tell policy, or let’s get into the nitty gritty?
Sex
How often do you want sex? Really?
Let’s talk positions. What are you into?
What are you definitely NOT into?
Condoms, birth control, or both?
Have you been tested for STDs? When?
Any hang ups with sex? Trust issues, performance issues that have cropped up (or, um, failed to crop up) in the past?
Imagine Tessa gets pregnant. What’s the game plan?
Parents
What’s your relationship like with your parents?
Do you talk every day, once a year, or somewhere in a healthier range?
How often do you want to visit them?
How often and for how long do you want them visit?
How important is it to you that they like me? That they approve of you being divorced and now dating me?
What if they don’t like me? What’s the plan?
Mental Health
Any mental health issues?
Are you on any medications?
What’s your family history of mental health?
What makes you anxious?
How do you cope with stress?
Food
Do you like to cook, or eat take out?
Are you okay if I don’t cook?
What’s your ideal dinner situation? Are you a foodie or do you like a cheap slice of pizza?
Fighting
How do feel about raising voices (with each other or your kids)?
How do you feel about me bringing up issues that bug me? Get it out or hold it in?
What in your past relationship didn’t work with how you had conflict?
Are you “a cryer”: Do you cry a lot of almost never?
Relationship Threats
Do you tend to get jealous if other people give me attention, or not so much?
If someone is into me, is it my job to get them out of being into me?
What sort of boundaries do you have with your ex?
Does he/she/they come over regularly?
Have a key to your place?
Stop by without notice?
Politics and Culture
Politics. How liberal/conservative are you?
Are you deep into the culture wars?
Was the US election stolen?
Alex Jones: Raving lunatic, or much needed counterweight to the mainstream media?
How woke would you consider yourself?
Are you religious, spiritual, or neither?
If I’m religious (or very anti-religious) would that bug you?
Do you like a relationship with more traditional gender roles, or more of an equity-based approach to handling things like household labor?
Do you read the news and like to talk about it?
Do you like talking about politics?
What about sports? If I zone out when you talk about sports is that okay?
Social media: Do you have a very unhealthy addiction or a slightly healthier addiction?
Are you willing to have you vacation photos posted in Insta?
Humor
Curb your Enthusiasm. Funny or you don’t get it?
What about Veep?
Can we poke fun of each other or does that bug you?
Do you like comedy clubs? Raunchy humor or New Yorker Cartoons?
Career Growth
How do you feel about making sacrifices for my career?
Me for yours?
Do you like to work on the weekends, or will you be irritated if I work on the weekends?
What if I’m selecting for something at work that you also wanted? How are we going to prevent ourselves from getting all weird and competitive, like the couple in the Squid and the Whale?
Have a workplace dilemma?
In my next newsletter, I will return to career advice. If you try out the test, I would love to hear your stories. Have another career question? You can share your story here, and in a week or so, I’ll share my advice. You can go totally anonymous, or share your first name and location. Whatever makes you comfortable. And if you accidentally include some identifying details, don’t worry. I will edit them out before I post.
Extra Bits and Bobs
Interested in hearing the Hidden Brain episode that inspired this post? You can check it out here.
What I’m Reading
Amy Gallo’s new book “Getting Along: How to work with anyone (including difficult people) is out! There are many approaches to dealing with conflict in the workplace, and I can’t wait to dive into Amy’s perspective. You can check out her website here.
The only other category I would include is around cleanliness. Things like -
Shoes on in the house or shoes off? Wipe counters after every use, or just at the end of the day? Shoes straight when put back every time? Regularly assigned household chores or do them as needed? And so on.
This is so stupid. Just be with each other if you want. That's all that matters. Fuck shit like this. A relationship is not between two objects. It's between two people. Stop making dating and relationships like some product match/mismatch. Either you love your partner/partners and want to be with them or you don't. Very simple. And you just talk about issues and make things work. Stop treating your partner/partners as an object/objects. Stop this American bullshit that is a disease to the world and just inhumane and toxic thinking