The first time a stranger asked me for career advice was in a bathroom. One of those fancy ones, with cloth towelettes and a separate side room with couches and extra mirrors. I was giving a talk to a group of about 100 leaders at their headquarters, and things had taken a dark turn. I had gone to the bathroom to hide.
But let’s back up. Hiding in a toilet stall isn’t exactly a grown-up thing to do, and frankly I’m not really conflict averse. And leading up that moment things were going pretty well. I was at a podium, lecturing on how important it is for people support up-and-coming leaders (especially those who didn’t have a rich knowledge of the “hidden curriculum” I had told them). Not exactly a controversial topic. I stopped to take a swig of water and check my phone for the time, and within the blink of an eye, an audience member had grabbed a mic and was now standing proud and tall at her table, ready to speak her truth.
“We are talking about respecting new leaders” she blurted out, with a clear bitterness in her voice, “but no one here respects me.” I froze. “I’ve been here for ten years and no one invites me to anything!” The tears begin flowing, along with all the times she recalled being excluded. I could hear the snot starting to bubble in her nose—the tell-tale sign of a sob that was past the point of a tear-up. The audience stood still for what felt like forever (it was 30 seconds). And then one brave soul stepped in, and in an act of desperation yelled out (he had no mic), “For God’s sake can someone get her a tissue!”
I told the group to “reflect on the moment” for a few minutes and I made a beeline for the bathroom.
It didn’t take long for the sobbing leader to find me. She too, it turned out, wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there.
“I’m sorry that happened” she said, embarrassed. “But these feelings were festering for months, and they finally exploded.” No one wants their bad feelings at work to go unaddressed for so long, they come out via emotional sob in front of the company’s biggest decision makers. But when we ignore them it can happen.
I gave her some advice on how to concretely bring up why she felt excluded (once the emotions had died down, with a focus on what exactly people were doing that made her feel that way), and she reluctantly returned to her seat and I finished my talk. Now that I look back, I think I learned more from her that day than she probably learned from me.
Dealing with conflict at work is hard and awkward, and most of us avoid it. But as I’ve learned through the years as a researcher of human behavior, a consultant, and a giver of career advice, avoidance gets us close to nowhere.
My newsletter is dedicated to giving you advice for your toughest workplace dilemmas. No question is too petty, complicated, or embarrassing to ask. My answers will be grounded in social science. No shamming or chiding, just concrete advice. And if the question you ask is outside of my area of expertise, I will bring in an expert to help answer it.
Have a workplace dilemma?
Share your story here, and in a week or so, I’ll share my advice. You can go totally anonymous, or share your first name and location. Whatever makes you comfortable. And if you accidentally include some identifying details, don’t worry. I will edit them out before I post.
Extra Bits and Bobs
Here’s where I will share any new Op-Eds, interviews, or podcasts my readers might be interested in.
I was interviewed by the hilarious and on-point Jordan Harbinger for his podcast, the Jordan Harbinger show. We talked about my book Jerks at Work—and all of the ways we can deal with 7 types of toxic coworkers. Jordan makes awesome art out of all his guest’s faces.
What I’m reading
This week, the New York Times dropped a piece that went viral: The Rise of the Workplace Productivity Score. Here’s the gist: Companies are now starting to micro-monitor employee productivity via software that measures how much people are “really” working at work. This concept isn’t new—lower paying jobs have been doing this forever (Amazon and UPS are examples cited in this piece). But now, white collar workers are grappling with these digital spies. And naturally, people are pissed about it (Barclays Bank apparently had to scrape rude, snide messages like “Not enough time in Zone Yesterday!”). The biggest issue, it seems, is that these time keepers are just plain wrong. By capturing only digital work (emails, Zoom calls, editing excel) they don’t capture all work. Informal meetings, chatting with customers, and stuff written down on paper all gets discounted.
That said, employers are pushing forward with the idea, even if it needs refining. At the end of the day, they get data, and they argue that data can help them make promotion and firing decisions based on what people actually do, rather than on things like reputation (which are often only mildly related to our behavior).
What do you think? Would you be willing to be tracked via digital micromanager, if it meant more freedom regarding where you work? Terrible idea or one with promise? Share your thoughts!
Want to learn more?
You can check out my author website here for all interviews, podcasts, and Op-Eds I’ve done. I’ve also included the two quizzes from my book (“Am I a jerk at work” and “Am I an effective ally”), which you can take and get immediate feedback.
Want to learn more about my current research and download publications? They are on my academic website.
You can also check out my book Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them.
Where to find me:
tessa.west@nyu.edu for questions and comments
@tessawestNYU for Twitter
@West.tessa for Instagram
www.linkedin.com/in/tessa-west-129b51131 For LinkedIn