How to reach out to a stranger
Want to network with someone you don't know? I asked over 400 people what would take for them to say "yes" to a chat request (and actually follow through with it), and here's what they said works.
Welcome back to my substack! I took a year off to write my next book, Job Therapy. For the book, I surveyed thousands of people who hire and fire for a living; those who’ve successfully climbed up at work and have insider secrets to share, and those who’re struggling to find the perfect fit. I developed a new line of research dedicated to understanding the current career goer.
But naturally, not all of these data made the cut for the book. So now, I will be sharing unique insights that aren’t in the book, with a focus on those that I think will help you navigate the tricky world of networking, interviewing, and climbing up at work. To get things started, this newsletter dedicated to one of the most common questions people ask me:
I know I should get better at networking. And I know that I should be having conversations with people I don’t know. But how am I supposed to reach out to a total stranger and get them to actually talk to me?
Most of us have been told at some point in our career to “grow your network.” And if you literally do just that—making sure you have a diverse set of LinkedIn Connections with some good influencers sprinkled in—you might increase your chances of landing an interview. Programs like LinkedIn Recruiter have “popularity” measures baked in, including who’re connected with, that contribute to who lands in their top 50 candidates (you can read my deep dive about that here).
But what I’m talking here aren’t LinkedIn Connect requests. I’m talking about the connections that are backed by real conversations. Connections with people who can give you insights into the hidden curriculum, give you tips on when their company will be hiring next, and what the “real” requirements are to land the job. In short, people who can help you close the information gap between what you think you should be doing to get ahead, and what you actually should be doing.
For that, you will need to talk to real people. And you need to go beyond your existing friends, or even friends of friends. You need to talk to strangers.
Reaching out cold is a scary thing. I had to do it to interview people from my book, and as a closeted introvert who hates rubbing people the wrong way, it took me a while to bite the bullet and do it. I went into the process a bit in the dark, violating a few hidden norms along the way, before I found my footing. But the good news is, you can skip the awkward stage and avoid the mishaps. And instead of relying on anecdotal evidence of what works, why not base your strategy on some data?
I surveyed over 400 of people to understand what factors increase and decrease the likelihood that they would follow through with a chat request from a stranger. Here’s what I learned.
The results I’m presenting here don’t vary depending on how experienced, old, educated, connected, or wealthy people are. The people I surveyed are from 9 different countries, are on average around 35 years old (ranging from 20 to 70), and have been at their current job for about 5.5 years (ranging from just started to 20 years). They work in dozens of industries (e.g., finance, media, education, government, hospitality, insurance, retail, healthcare, arts). About a quarter work remotely; 35 percent hybrid, and 40 percent in an office. The answers below cut across all of these categories.
First, I asked: “If someone I didn’t know reached out to me and wanted to talk to me about my career, I would set up a chat.”
Over 50% said yes (51% to be exact), 38% said maybe, and only 11% said no. This is great news for you. We have stranger danger when it comes to career conversations, but guess what? Most people are actually quite open to having them (I quickly learned in writing my second book how much people like to talk about themselves).
Second, I gave them 25 things that could move the likelihood up or down that they would follow through with a chat request. For each, they rated if it would “increase the likelihood,” “decrease the likelihood,” or “not influence the likelihood.” Here they are, broken down into 5 categories:
How the person found you:
We share a mutual connection on LinkedIn
We have a coworker in common (someone we both know)
We have a friend or other social connection in common who isn’t work-related
We belong to the same group on social media (e.g., a special interest group for people in your profession, or an alumni group)
We don’t have any connections or groups in common
How the person contacted you:
They sent me a private message on LinkedIn
They sent me a private message on X (formerly known as Twitter)
They sent me a private message on Instagram
They sent me a private message on Facebook
They emailed me
They came up to me in person at a conference or other networking event that wasn’t my workplace
What the person said when they reached out to you:
They told you how they found you (e.g., “I found you on a search on LinkedIn for people who work in tech” or, “Our mutual friend Kate told me about you”)
They told you that they want to talk about your career in general, with no specifics mentioned
They gave you a list of topics or questions that they want to talk about
They mention a few things about you personally when they first reach out that are relevant to your career (e.g., “I see that you’ve been an elementary school teacher for 5 years”)
They flatter you in the message (e.g., “I see that you’ve been very successful and are highly regarded in your field”)
The format of the request
They write a short message (under 50 words)
They write a long message (over 50 words)
They send you a calendar link to sign up to meet them when they first reach out to you (e.g., “I would love to chat…here’s a link to my calendar to find a time)
The type of meeting they requested
They ask for an in-person meeting
They ask for a call or Zoom meeting
They ask for 15 minutes of your time
They ask for 30 minutes of your time
They ask for an hour of the time
They don’t specify the length of time they want to chat
What did I find?
First, very few things didn’t influence the likelihood (the length of the message doesn’t matter much, as long as you don’t write a book).
Let’s start with what hurts your chances. Here are the choices that a good percentage of people recommend against:
We don’t have any connections or groups in common (51%)
They sent a private message over X (50%), Instagram (46%), or Facebook (43%)
They ask for an hour (66%)
They send a calendar link (48%)
Now let’s turn to what helps your chances. Here are the choices that are widely recommended:
We share a mutual connection on LinkedIn (62%)
We have a coworker in common (81%)
We have a friend in common (74%)
They contacted me over email (66%)
They came up to me at a conference (84%)
They told me how they found me (69%)
They gave me a list of topics or questions that they want to talk about (63%)
They asked for 15 minutes (61%)
What are the take homes?
And the rest of the items didn’t move the needle much—they neither hurt nor helped your chances. What can you make of these data? Having at least someone in common is important—but that person can be a shared LinkedIn Connection, it doesn’t have to be a friend of a friend. How you contact people is just as important as what you say in that initial request. Avoid personal social accounts (Twitter/X, Instagram, Facebook), and go with email if you can (or LinkedIn Chat if you must). Tell people how you found them (e.g., “we share so-in-so in common,” or “I noticed you worked for X company for 10 years”). Send a list of what you want to ask about in the initial ask, and make the request short. And please don’t send a Calendly link before you’ve started the exchange, it’s off-putting to people to be asked to book a time for something they haven’t opted into.
People like know what the conversation will be out before they opt in (avoid generalizations like “I would like to talk about your career journey”). They also want to know “why me.” You can get pretty far by increasing certainty and making people feel unique. Below are top 5 tips for reaching out that work for anyone, at any career stage, with the percentage of people who endorsed it.
And that’s it! Follow these simple steps to increase the chances that your cold ask will result in a meaningful conversation. Job Therapy walks through the best types of questions you should ask depending on your career goals. I will be hiting on these themes as well in this newsletter, so stay tuned!
Extra Bits and Bobs
Interested in how to improve your workplace conversations around sticky, and potentially uncomfortable topics? Check out my TedX Columbia talk on how to have clear, meaningful conversations at work, and my lab at NYU (below) to see how we study the science of awkward interactions (down to people’s “beneath the skin” physiologic responses).
What I’m Reading
Hilke Schellmann’s “The Algorithm” is a force! If you want to know all of the ways in which AI is impact the world of work, check out this wonderful book by the world’s expert on the topic.
Job Therapy is now available for pre-order.
Job Therapy comes out July 23, 2024, and it’s available now for pre-order here.