Help! My boss makes rude jokes and publicly criticizes people.
And the only way for me to get ahead is to follow her lead.
Welcome to Tessa West @Work. Let’s get started with a big question from Anonymous, who writes:
I joined a software company 6.5 years ago and got promoted 3 times. The last promotion was 1.5 years ago into a management role. At the same time, a new Director was hired externally to lead the organisation I work in, and things have gotten weirder and weirder since then. Attrition rate of managers climbed to 60% during her leadership period, and among the 13 managers who crossed her path over the past 18 months, 11 describe her as toxic, harassing and/or incompetent. I have tried to go along with the situation (microaggression, public criticism in front of all the Team) until July of this year.
In June I started getting noticed for promotion in another organisation, and when I asked the Director for support and feedback (company process), she said that she doesn’t know me and won’t be supporting me for my promotion, unless I collude with her toxic leadership by: contributing during toxic jokes session (her way to sense a belonging) and leading useless projects that she always sabotages.
Fun story, we took the same plane for a business trip in March and she ignored me. In, July she said that my attitude is not professional and that I give her the impression of not belonging to her management Team. I’m thinking about filing an harassment case and/or quitting. Which one should be the best option? Is there any other option? What is your advice?
PS : according to your book Tessa, she belongs to the 7th category of jerks (gaslighter) but also has serious traits from the kiss-up / kick-downer, the micromanager, and the credit stealer.
-Anonymous
My Advice for Anonymous
Every once in a while, we come across someone at work who embodies all 7 types of jerks. It’s tough act to pull off, but it seems that your boss is coming close.
Two issues stand out to me here. The first is that this boss doesn’t just seem toxic and problematic, but also, she seems interested in creating a contagion of unethical behavior under her tutelage. You said (and I paraphrase) “She won’t be supporting me for my promotion unless I collude with her toxic leadership by contributing to toxic jokes, etc.” This is a huge red flag to me, and it suggests a broader problem at your organization than one bad apple boss. Social science has taught us that when leaders behave unethically at work, that behavior can become contagious. And here’s the scary part: we don’t just adopt the same unethical behaviors as the leaders, but we also branch out; we become more dishonest, we steal and cheat more. We throw more people under the bus. And the more identified people feel with the leader, the stronger the contagion. This is not to say that this unethical person will become you (you clearly detected the problem early and see these red flags too). But there’s a good chance that at some point if this Director sticks around, she will find at least one person to follow in her footsteps, especially if that’s the only way to get ahead.
The second and related issue is what is being done about it. At the very least, she’s bleeding talent left and right (those attrition numbers are striking). That should, by now, have raised enough alarm bells that HR or senior leadership should be looking into it. If they’re ignoring her behavior, there’s either an apathy problem where you work, or worse, an implicit endorsement of bad behavior. Either way, the lack of interference from the top seems alarming.
I won’t tell you whether to stay or go, but here’s the questions I would ask myself if I were in your position, in this order. First, is this Director a canary in coalmine? Does her behavior (not just the unethical part, but the insistence that others follow her) represent a broader issue of how people behave here? Do some digging to find out. What are other Directors like to work with? If they are all like this, then run.
Second, if her behavior is unusual, is senior leadership aware of the problem? Complain to HR (focusing on what this person did not necessarily how you feel about her—with details and dates) and find out if anything is being done (even a question as simple as, “Is HR looking into this issue?” is a good one to ask). Sensitive issues like this are often handled very delicately and quietly. My assumption that her behavior is going unnoticed deserves further interrogating. Third, if the answer to the second question is, “It turns out people know it’s a problem and they are looking into it,” is there an option for you to transfer to another Director? You deserve to work with someone else, and if you’re truly stuck with this person, I would get out sooner rather than later. And for what it’s worth, make sure you do your due diligence for the job that’s trying to recruit you. What are the norms like there—not just what’s on paper but what people are expected to do to actually succeed? Is there consistency in how people are treated across Directors?
The good news is, you’re clearly on an upward trajectory. And if you chose to leave and want some advice on how to handle the transition, send in another question. I’ve spent lots of time interviewing folks in HR and Talent Acquisition, and I’m happy to give you tips. But in the meantime, hang in there. And remember, you don’t deserve this multifaceted Classic Jerk.
Have a workplace dilemma?
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Extra Bits and Bobs
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about all of the twists and turns we take on our path to finding the right career. Sometimes we think we’ve settled down into a rhythm only to find ourselves bored and looking for more.
And to scratch our itch for more novelty at work, more and more folks are turning to meaning-making side gigs. I started accumulating so many, that my friend and past graduate student Diego Reinero had to remind that these jobs don’t just live rent free in my head, they take up space, even when I’m not working on them.
So I did some digging to see how much career hoarding is going on these days, and it turns out, a lot. Check out this piece I wrote for Fortune on the new phenomenon of career hoarding.
What I’m Reading
Don’t feel safe at your job and worried you’re going to lose it? See threats in your workplace that maybe aren’t there? We know that in close relationships, the trauma of one relationship can carry over and affect how we interact with our future partners. But we rarely discuss this issue at work. Rebecca Knight addresses this issue for her piece in Business Insider. An important piece, even it’s just to get the conversation going.