A Feedback Plan for Feedback Haters
When you've tried everything to get your employee to listen to you, and all you get back are eye rolls
Tired of Trying writes,
I manage a team of about 10 people, and one of the people who works for me HATES feedback. He resists it, argues with it, and generally behaves as if he’s allergic to it. A few weeks ago, he asked me what it would take to get a promotion. A handful of people have complained to me about his behavior, which I’ve spoken to him about (to not avail). But in the interest of helping him on a path to promotion, I did a bit more digging to see where he stands with others. The more people I talk to, the worst the story gets. Everyone has a problem with him.
How should I handle this? Should I do one-on-one meetings between him and each person he has conflict with to try to resolve it? I’ve tried talking to him and he just doesn’t seem receptive to change. I can’t fire him, he has some rare skills that are tough to replace.
-Anonymous
A Four Step Plan For Feedback
Dear Tired of Trying ,
Unfortunately you’re a member of a very big club. Lots of folks hate feedback. Sometimes, the harder we try to collect it and give it, the more it gets scoffed at. I wrote a guide to help. It’s a four-step process designed to help you collect the most useful feedback about people at work, and create a plan for behavior change they will actually want to stick to.
Step one: Collect broad data on the person
You might think that at this point, you know everything you need to know about your feedback resister. But this is probably not the case. You want to approach this process like a scientist who has a hypothesis. And to test it, you need data. I like to start with five people who work with this person.
Avoid the temptation to go to the two or three people who routinely complain about your difficult employee. Instead, you want to ask a variety of people who work with this person, including those who you’ve never solicited feedback from before. Why? You don’t want to oversample from complainers, and you don’t want to oversample from people who feel comfortable speaking up. You want to have as unbiased sample as possible, which means not stacking the deck in favor of (or against) the person you’re collecting data on.
To select your five, go for people who work under them, same level as them, and above them. In other words, people who have different types of relationships with them. Frame the questions very generally about improving your process of giving and getting feedback about people. This process is less about targeting a specific person (the one you’re concerned about), more about improving your feedback strategy.
When you ask for feedback, focus on both the things this person is doing well they would like to see more of, and things that need improvement. The best feedback is behavioral. And the more detailed the better. You also need to communicate to your feedback givers that what they tell you will be kept confidential (assuming nothing illegal is shared).
Here’s a template for an email you can send your potential feedback givers:
Dear X,
I’m working on improving our feedback process at work, which we all know is tough. To start, I would love to get your feedback about XXX, with whom you work. Don’t worry, I won’t share any direct feedback with this person; your feedback will be kept confidential. I’m looking for general themes that I can communicate when I meet with them. I won’t share specific details.
I would love to schedule a 30-minute chat in the next xx weeks. Here’s what I will be asking you, so you can start thinking ahead.
Question 1: What are some things that you think person X does well?
My goal is to anchor feedback on how people behave, so specific examples would be great, along with when these behaviors occurred (e.g., last week, at the beginning of the month, some time last year). For example, if you think the person is great at lifting up junior people, an example behavior would be, “In our weekly team meeting, they highlighted the great work of Dana, our latest hire.” I will also ask if you directly observed these behaviors, or if you heard about them from someone else. Timing is important too, so if you can remember when these things happened, that’s great.
Question 2: What are some things that you think person X could improve upon?
Again, specific behavioral examples would be great. For example, if you think the person is combative in meetings, a specific example would be, “In our weekly team meeting, they interrupted our team leader about 5 times to challenge them. It was hard to hear their presentation.” Again, I will ask if you observed these things directly or heard about them from someone else, and when.
At the end of our chat, I will also ask you if you have any other general thoughts you have about our feedback process, or anything I can do to improve it. It’s important for me to get feedback from you too.
*It’s key that you communicate your plans before you meet with people. It will reduce their uncertainty about what will happen in this meeting, and it will give them time to think and come up with behavioral examples. It can be hard to do this on the fly. I would hold these meetings in person or on Zoom rather than over email. We express a lot through our nonverbal behaviors, and you can reassure confidentially throughout the process.
Step two: Look for patterns in the data you collected
Now that you’ve collected some data, start looking for patterns in behavior. Patterns are general tendencies that people have in how they behave, but they are often context dependent. For example, you might see that people who are higher status than the person you asked for feedback from have no complaints—they are respectful and get their work done on time. But those who are at the same level have a ton of complaints—they interrupt, question their expertise. This behavioral pattern would suggest that conflict only arises when there might be some “jockeying” for status going on. You might also notice that harmful behaviors occur at specific times, say, at the end of the quarter, or when this person is under a tight deadline. For example, someone might turn around work quickly and take responsibility for their own jobs at the beginning of a project, but really fall apart at the end.
You probably have more insight into what’s going on during “Bad behavior times” than the people who are giving you feedback have. Timing data can help paint the big picture. For example, you know that at the time the person started to freeload, you had just tasked them with another job. The person complaining doesn’t know this, but you do.
Step three: The feedback conversation
Now that you have some data, you might be tempted to approach your employee and give the feedback directly to them. “After talking to a bunch of people, I think you have a problem starting conflict with people who have the same job title as you. Let’s talk about that.”
I don’t think this a fruitful approach. People tend to get defensive when feedback is delivered to them this way. Instead, you want to have a conversation that probes what you learned. You now have some broad themes, and now you want to learn additional insight into what might be going on. Your goal is to get the person to see the issue, acknowledge that it’s not good for them either, and help them come up with a change plan. Your job is not to overtly criticize (at least not at first). You’ve also promised confidentiality, so you can’t simply report back to your feedback resister what you’ve learned.
Start by anchoring the conversation around the context, not the problem behavior. That context might be “work done during crunch time” or “Team meetings co-chaired by another leader.”
Here's an example:
Imagine that you learned, through your interviews that your employee John, who is a team leader, is very combative during team meetings with people who are also team leaders. John and the other leader are supposed to be leading together, but John interrupts, says insulting things, and the people who report to John and the other leader are left bewildered about who is actually in charge here.
Start by asking John his thoughts about what goes on during team meetings. “John, I would love to hear your thoughts about what goes on during team meetings. How do you feel those meetings have been going?”
Chance are, John will have a very different perspective than the people who complained about him. Perhaps he realizes that conflict has occurred, but he blames it on the lack of expertise of others in the room (“If they knew what they were talking about, I wouldn’t have to correct them.”) Or maybe John is used to a combative style (“Why does everyone have to be so sensitive?”) Whatever his reaction, don’t do the “yeah but” strategy. This is where you answer John with, “Yeah, but people say you’re rude during these meetings and that’s a problem.” The “yeah but” undermines John and puts him on the defensive. You also look like you’re taking sides. Instead, you can encourage John to perspective take. “It sounds like in these meetings there’s a lot of conflict. What do you think is going on in the head of Sally? What about your and Sally’s reports? They’re in the room too—what do you think they’re thinking?” Walk through a few examples with John, and each time, have him perspective take about what the others in the room are thinking.
When you go through this process, remind them of contexts in which they excel (which come from the “doing well” feedback you collected). Constructive but negative feedback needs to be delivered with some positive feedback sprinkled in.
Next, ask the person what they would like to see improved. There’s a good chance that your employee knows that there’s a problem (even if they disagree with you about its source). Finding out if they have the goal to improve the situation is key to making behavior change happen. Without that goal in place, you won’t see any change. You might need to do some convincing that the current situation isn’t ideal for them at this stage. The issues they’re having are likely time consuming, reputation damaging, and stressful. Don’t make this about them as a person or even their broad behaviors. Instead, focus on “situations in which X happens.” They key is getting them to want to improve these situations at work.
Next, make some plans for change that involve replacement behaviors in these situations. People aren’t good at behavior change if the behaviors in question aren’t situated within specific contexts. You can’t tell people to just to “stop drinking Prosecco.” You have to find out when they are the most likely to drink it (at social gatherings) and what triggers the behavior (social pressure), and then come with a plan that is specific to these situations. Same is true for behavior at work.
With the John example, other people’s “wrong ideas” might be his trigger. Perhaps he feels the need to be heard, or the need to correct. That plan can be achieved in other ways that are less combative (perhaps in a private setting). But as long as John is on board with changing the situation (fighting with Sally in front of people), then you can come up with alternative behaviors he can do instead of the interrupting (e.g., “when you feel like cutting in, how about you call on a member of Sally’s team to get their perspective”). Behavior change almost always requires that we replace a bad behavior with a good one—it is not enough to just stop doing the bad behavior. And remind John that the goal is to change the situation so that he benefits too. This isn’t just about making Sally happy.
Step four: check in on the process
These conversations need to be on-going. Don’t have one, secretly hope the behavior gets fixed, and then move on. It often takes some tweaking to get the behavior change right, and it’s critical that your employee can come to you if new hurdles arise. I also would not try to change more than one behavior at a time. People get overwhelmed.
I recommend a check in a week or two after the initial conversation happened. Then have some set times after that. Remember: behavior change plans need to be flexible, and your goal is to get your employee to the place where they can recognize what is derailing them. Change also doesn’t happen overnight, so be patient. A good timeline for change can help anchor your employee to the realities of the situation.
Have a workplace dilemma?
Have a career question? You can share your story here, and in a week or so, I’ll share my advice. You can go totally anonymous, or share your first name and location. Whatever makes you comfortable. And if you accidentally include some identifying details, don’t worry. I will edit them out before I post.
Extra Bits and Bobs
The Merriam-Webster word of the year is gaslighter. I’ve dedicated a chapter in Jerks at a Work to this colorful, destructive workplace colleague. But do we really know what it is? Buzzwords often lose their meaning over time, so in my latest piece for Market Watch, I share some tips on recognizing it (hint: it doesn’t always feel like a bad thing—sometimes gaslighters make us feel special to pull us in), and deal with it.
What I’m Reading
Jacqui Brassey’s Deliberate Calm is an absolute Must Read. One of the smartest and most modern thinkers in this space, and this book is full of actionable advice.